How to Start a Conversation With a Stranger

How to Start a Conversation With a Stranger Social Anxiety Disorder Treatment and Therapy Social Skills Print How to Start a Conversation With a Stranger Starting Conversations When You Have Social Anxiety By Arlin Cuncic Arlin Cuncic, MA, is the author of Therapy in Focus: What to Expect from CBT for Social Anxiety Disorder and 7 Weeks to Reduce Anxiety. Learn about our editorial policy Arlin Cuncic Medically reviewed by Medically reviewed by Steven Gans, MD on December 11, 2015 Steven Gans, MD is board-certified in psychiatry and is an active supervisor, teacher, and mentor at Massachusetts General Hospital. Learn about our Medical Review Board Steven Gans, MD Updated on January 04, 2020 Social Anxiety Disorder Overview Symptoms & Diagnosis Causes Treatment Living With In Children Strangers can be excellent potential conversation partners. Getty / Franek Strzeszewsk Knowing how to start a conversation with a stranger is easy for some people. However, if you suffer from social anxiety disorder (SAD), a room full of strangers can be incredibly intimidating. If the stranger that you are looking to start a conversation with is an authority figure, this likely adds to your anxiety. The best advice for starting a conversation is actually quite simpleâ€"focus on the other person or say something light-hearted. Remember that your goal is just to make an introductory statement. What you say isnt as important as the fact that it gives you each a chance to say something else. Comment on Something Personal Often, the person with whom you are trying to start a conversation will have some unique aspect of themselves. Perhaps it is an  item of jewelry, an unusual shirt, or maybe even a tattoo; something distinctive that tells a story about the person. Items like this give you a starting point for conversation. Say something like: Wow, that is a beautiful pendant, what kind of stone is that?Nice shirt, so youre a Grateful Dead fan?Is that a tattoo of Yoda on your shoulder? Be sure to avoid anything too intimate as a starting point or youre likely to offend the other person. Dont ask if that is her real hair color or if he is a regular at the gym. After you receive a response, have something else to say that will give you a common platform on which to build a conversation and a relationship. Before you start, think of a follow-up story. This is the key to building a conversation. Follow up with something somewhat personal that relates to the other person and that tells him or her something interesting about you: The only place Ive ever seen anything like that pendant was once at a bazaar in India.My father was a real Dead Head. He took me to see them when I was a kid.I love tattoos. Ive been thinking of getting one but Im not sure what to get? How did you decide on Yoda? All of these statements help connect you to the person and keep the conversation moving. Remember, the goal is not to say the perfect thing or come across a certain way, but to open the door for more conversation. How to Give Compliments With Social Anxiety Try the Old Standby:  Havent I Seen You Somewhere Before Given the right circumstances, this conversation starter can work. If you say to someone, You seem really familiar, do I know you from somewhere? it makes it very easy to gather and give a lot of information and start a conversation. What high school did you attend?I was in the marching band, did you play an instrument?Where do you work?Ive been to that Starbucks. As you go through the details of the other persons life story, feel free to go off on tangents. Remember, you dont really want to find out if youve met before; you want to get to know more about the other person. Make a Funny Comment One of the best ways to start a conversation is to make a funny comment about your surroundings. Hey, doesnt our instructor look like Harry Potter?Is it just me, or is the guy in the front row asleep? The goal is not to be mean-spirited or judgmental, so be sure to keep your comments positive. Then, try to invite the other person in on the joke. Where do you think he keeps his magic wand, in his briefcase?Do you think hes going to sleep through the whole class? Know that this method of starting a conversation can be risky. Humor is difficult with someone you dont know well. However, if you find someone who shares your sense of humor, chances are that it will be the start of a great friendship. Think of this period as a time of testing the waters, to find people who think the same way that you do.   Remember that any of these tricks can fail some of the time. If you dont receive a positive response from someone, there are always other people whom you can approach. If you are persistent, over time it will get  easier to speak with strangers. As you become more confident and at ease, you wont need to rely on tricks to start conversations. 10 Best and Worst Small Talk Topics Research on Conversations and Social Anxiety A 2016 study?? showed that people with social anxiety tend not to contribute equally to conversations, and as a result are less well-liked. Why You Might Not Contribute Equally in a Conversation There are two possible reasons why you might not contribute equally in a conversation.1. Your anxiety makes you too uncomfortable and self-conscious to talk.2. You are lacking experience in making conversation and social skills. In most cases, people fall into the first category. Its not that you are lacking in social skills or dont know how to hold up your end of a conversation. In fact, with people you know well (e.g., close friends or family), you might even be a chatterbox. Rather, being self-conscious and anxious is what holds you back from being your true self in a conversation. In that case, its important to work on your anxiety so that you can have better conversations. If, on the other hand, you feel that you are actually lacking in social skills simply because you havent had enough experience being around other people, it might be helpful to pick up some self-help books on how to build your social skills. As another example, a second 2016 study?? on eye contact showed that individuals with social anxiety tend to make less eye contact during conversation. If you have trouble making eye contact, try to make it a goal to work on this social skill to improve your conversations and appear friendlier to others (thus inviting further conversations). How to Have a Conversation When You Have SAD A Word From Verywell If you have severe social anxiety, treatment is important, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy or medication. Without effective treatment, tricks such as these conversation starters or other social skill strategies arent likely to be effective.